I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
