I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
