Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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