i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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