i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
