I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
