I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
