Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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