Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
either way he was missing a nipple.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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