I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize