I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
