Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
