so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
