I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think a kid would responsible me up
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
