We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize