Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
