I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize