She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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