Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
