i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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