omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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