Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You were trust falling into bushes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
