you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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