I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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