Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
