I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
