You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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