just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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