Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
