i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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