im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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