She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
