I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
