you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
