Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
