So drunk its hurt
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
