I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
