You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
