so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
