Me too!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
