How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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