a search helicopter?!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
