I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
