M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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