You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
