i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
