yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
