Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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