Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
3 2 1 whiskey
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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