What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
