It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
