worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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