If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
