At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
