I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
