Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
