the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize